Kill Your Inner Raymond: Demanding More from Yourself, Women, and the World

It’s a whole new world out there.

In the decades since the sexual revolution of the 1960′s and 1970′s, men have been taught by society and popular culture to neglect their heart’s true purpose, sink into a safe and often unsatisfying relationship with their idealized True Love(ie. The One™), and pursue debilitating recreational habits such as beer drinking and television whenever the One permits. We’ve all become Raymond, in essence.

The state of modern relationships and common male recreational pursuits are not unrelated. Both involve passivity, laziness, false comfort, inertia. Both offer cheap rewards and temporary relief.

Nearly every television sitcom boyfriend or husband is the same: a bit of a doofus, out of shape, desperate for sex, subservient to his partner, and reliant on alcohol and empty calories for comfort. Men have been taught that this type of man is “typical,” whereas, in earlier generations, this type of buffoonish man-child would have been booed off the screen. Today, he’s our “everyman.” Somewhere above the clouds, Humphrey Bogart is unimpressed.


As men, our non-working lives are dominated by the mundane — football, alcohol, fast food, reality TV. The television tells us that this is how we should relax; this is what “normal guys” do. And so we sit and watch, when we should stand and do.

“Yeah! He caught it!” we scream when there’s a touchdown in the fourth quarter. We may even high five each other, or dance around our television screen (if we can muster up the energy). We get up off our asses and move — on special occasions — in celebration of another man’s movement on a field of sport thousands of miles away. It’s exciting, you see, and this is what “normal guys” are supposed to do…

It is not a coincidence that modern man lives in an era of rampant sexual dissatisfaction, and passive recreational pursuits. Most men settle for moderately satisfying relationships and moderately satisfying hobbies. We live in the age of “meh.”

Modern women don’t have it a whole lot better. Women’s sexual empowerment has not equaled women’s sexual enlightenment — there are voluminous societal and cultural indications that suggest that women have never been more confused and unsatisfied in their intimate relationships with men.

The sexual taboo is dead — nothing is off limits in modern sex, dating, and relationships. Yet, still, many women insist that what they’re ultimately looking for is a “good man;” “someone to settle down with.” Despite all the experimentation and endless options of the 21st century sexual marketplace, many women are ultimately looking for the same thing their mothers and grandmothers were seeking decades earlier. And, like their male counterparts, many modern women are choosing to “settle” for mediocrity.

The quest for gender equality seems to have dissolved into gender denial: many men act ashamed to be men, ignoring or suppressing their masculine essence, while women perform the inverse. Somewhere down the line, “equality” between the sexes was confused with “sameness.”

Most couples appear undersexed, unhappy and generally irritable. Check out a couple on the street. Any couple. See that bored look in their eyes? I do.


I want you to keep thinking about that bored look in the eyes. Now log in to Facebook (assuming you have an account. If you don’t, you have my instant respect.)

Check out some photos of a couple you know around your age. Pick one that shows both faces clearly. Now look at the woman in the picture. Can you tease out that look in the eyes I’m talking about? The one that says “I’m sort of happy and sort of attached to this man but my heart longs for more?”

Now look at the man. His look is probably more along the lines of “I love this woman and if she ever left I’d be a shell of my former self. But what I really want — and will admit to no one, least of all myself — is to find a higher quality woman who wants sex more often and is less of a total nutcase and shares more of my interests, but I’m terrified to push myself out of my comfort zone. So I guess I’ll keep standing here and smiling…”

Men are told by society and popular culture that “communication,” “compromise,” “empathy,” and “understanding” are the keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, rather than attraction, passion, polarity, and presence. As a result, most men deny their heart’s true instincts and desires, and instead settle for mediocre relationships with mediocre women. And I think most women are doing the same, settling for mediocre relationships with mediocre men.

These are not the words of a jaded cynic. These are the words of a man who simply wants more — more for himself, more for his friends, more for his readers, more for men and women everywhere.

I look around the bar and see thirty men wearing thirty identical shirts that scream “I’m trying to get laid” pandering to thirty bored-looking women on smartphones. I see cheap suits, and sneeze-like orgasms.

I see couples at restaurants dining on industrial-sized plates of empty carb stew; eating and drinking the night away, and making it home to the couch just in time to catch reruns of Dancing With the Stars.

I see men who are reduced to beg for sex. I see women who continuously degrade and devalue themselves, and go home with men who feel similarly unworthy of something better.

I see women who have never been truly — and I do mean truly — desired, ravished, fucked into oblivion by their man. I see men who settle for doing it once or twice a month, missionary-style only, with the lights turned off.

I see men who apologize for their manhood. I see women trying to punish men for their biology. I see men punishing women for punishing men for acting like men do.

I look around and I see a pandemic of sexual dissatisfaction. I see men who are “settling down” with women who don’t make them truly happy. I see women who long for a powerful, confident, loving masculine presence in their life, and instead settle for far less. I see men and women utterly confused about what it means to be men and women, advertising fake fulfillment on Facebook, and relying on drugs and junk food every weekend to numb their longing for something more.

I’m here to tell you that something more is out there. Something more exists. And that you deserve better. Your woman deserves better. The world deserves better.

Just because it’s a whole new world out there doesn’t mean we have to settle for it.

Did you like this article? Join me on Facebook by clicking here. We’re going to have fun, I promise.

Note: the title of this post was inspired, in part, by my friend Zach‘s brilliant new productivity course, “Killing Bob,” which you really should check out.

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  • Chris Calo

    “Nearly every television sitcom boyfriend or husband is the same: a bit of a doofus, out of shape, desperate for sex, subservient to his partner, and reliant on alcohol and empty calories for comfort.”

    Yeah man, these stereotypes have been with us for way too long. We’ll get over them soon I hope!

    • Zachary Stockill

      The best way to overcome any stereotype is to reinvent yourself according to your ideal self-conception. There is no hope, only do or do not.

      Thanks for your comment.

      • Chris Calo

        Awesome! Thanks Zach

  • SM

    Hi. Excellent read. It really hit home, but somehow I’m still not sure what actions should I take. It would help me a lot if this article was more practical.

    • Zachary Stockill

      Thanks for the support. Stay tuned to the site for updates, or join me on Facebook at “Brazen Men.” Lots more to come, including more practical advice…